Free Money?! Wait, there's a catch.

So, I have an apartment. I have a college I go to. I have clothes. I have shoes. I have a lot of things that I take for granted! Everything I have, well, almost everything, was given to me. By parents, by family, by friends, etc. Do I deserve these things? Why should I?! I don't think so.

The apartment, especially, is a huge gift from my grandfather who passed away. He left an endowment to all his grandchildren who go to college, so he'd pay for our college funds. Well, it turns out, I don't need those funds to go to college, because I already have a scholarship from 21st Century Scholars. Lucky me! All of my college paid for already!!

I don't deserve this money. None of it. Santa would agree ;)

The Necklace Disappearances

I feel like such an idiot complaining about this, but my stupid kitten keeps eating all of my favorite necklaces!! I'll leave the necklaces on for a couple days in a row, and then I'll take them off and lay them on my dresser.

The first time it happened, I saw my first favorite necklace on the ground, missing a rope or whatever it's called. I was so pissed!!! I had that necklace on for over 4 months, and it wasn't even mine in the first place.

The second necklace was a gift from my American Sign Language teacher, who gave them to everyone who was graduating. It has an "I love you" sign on it. It's ruined now.

But I'm hoping I'm not too lazy that I can actually fix them. All they need is chains or actually just string. Heh, I'm probably too lazy.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

the whole, life on myspace and facebook thing? You know? Like, the people that spend every conversation on here [computer], without ever chilling with them in real life....but I mean, I can understand if you'd rather talk to someone on here if you haven't had a shower, in, let's say, 3 days.....but still! Get in the tub and rub a dub dub and get out there and enjoy the greatness of NONINTERNET!
Screw Math class for making the homeworks online! Whyyyy????!!! I'd rather get out a piece of paper, and write on it, and turn it in "old school" style....seriously folks, the internet/computer is ruining our brains...fried!
Can't be on here any longer or I'll spasm.
Thanks for reading kids!
Any thoughts??

Hopscotch through life.

Sunday, November 02, 2008

I used to think, oh look! I really like that. That piercing, I want that. I love your dress! Where did you get it at?! Things like that. But now, I just realize, that every one thing that almost everybody wears has been a total lie. Clothes are made to separate the personalities of people. But, in reality, now, everything is made in what society wants you to look like. They are judgmental, they are biased, they stereotype. Everything is a lie! I am done with buying things. I need to stop. I don't need piercings. I don't need them. They used to make people different. Look around in a crowd, you'll find probably 4 out of 5 people have something pierced. I don't know what to think. Should I laugh at their try to fit in? Should I think how stupid I was to get a monroe piercing before too? I realize now that everything needs to be in it's simplest form. I believe that, truly. Example: I like nuts all natural. Not salted, not anything. Yes, haha, good example Rebecca. "I know."
I don't regret my tattoo, because I hardly even remember its there. But when I do, it symbolizes that I am who I am. Even if others have it too, it must mean something to them too. I don't think I'm going to get mine touched up either. Well, I don't know yet. Maybe.
And I may get more tattoos, but I don't know yet either. I want to remain in my simplest form, but sometimes its okay to display a message of symbolism on your body. And this may not be my body, this is God's temple, but I believe he would allow me to have some meaning to myself on me. If that made sense to you, good.
I just, I don't know anymore! But I don't want to have to find a universal answer either. I can find my own meaning to life, and that's good enough for me.
I love life. I wish I were in a great big field, just living. Living for something. I need a purpose. I need a reason to live. I believe everyone has a reason on this earth, even if it's impossible to complete. God knows that you may not complete it, but he will know that you tried. I just, love. I love my life. I need to. Am I a rationalist or an empiricist? I honestly can't answer that. I don't know. But I don't think I need to find an answer.
And I don't think I need to find an answer to anything. None at all. I don't want to dwell in reasoning, but live for real.
I want to be free. Of worry, of money, of bills, of situations I can't get out of, of heartbreak, of hate, of everything. Isn't that what everyone wants?
I don't think I want to be wealthy. I want to be content.

A bus pass collection, a strange cat, and thoughts dematerialized.

I have been actually cleaning up my apartment today, and it was disgusting! This morning I woke up to my kitty, Le Tigre, in my face once again. He wakes me up with his whiskers. I ride the bus, and I get a day pass every day usually. Probably would save much more money by getting a monthly pass, but....yeah. I have been collecting all of the passes and putting them together. Maybe I will start a strange collection of it? Haha, I don't know.

Anyways, Wednesday and Thursday were the most depressing days of the year, I would say. I don't even think I have actually ever been as depressed as I was on those two days. But, I must say, I got over it pretty quick. I have a feeling that it will happen again though. But I would say that's normal. I'll just have to prepare so it won't debilitate me from completing schoolwork.

I want to volunteer. I want to do it during this break, and more than just that. I want to have volunteer become a part of who I am. It is interesting, and a great experience to have. It's not about getting to say "Oh, I volunteer". It's more about what it's like to not be me. I am blessed, SO blessed, with the things I take for GRANTED every single day. It's a great feeling, you know, to know it all can be taken away from me, and the reason it is great is because it has such a huge impact on the person. So, to know what it would be like to be homeless, is SO scary! Especially in the winter!
I was talking to a girl who is 25 now, and she told me that she was homeless when she was FOURTEEN! She had run away from home, and lived on the streets. She met so many different people, great people. Being homeless had taught her to not take anything she had for granted. I wonder how different her life would be if it had not gone the way it had for her, and I don't think it would have made her an any better person.

I may be young, but I know what I want in my future and I will go for it. I want to stop the bullshit I've been doing in college, because it will NOT pay off! At all! I have so much more potential than what I've been showing in schoolwork and it's a horrible feeling knowing I fucked up the whole semester! I have a scholarship I have to maintain, and I haven't proven anything of how I deserve it! I feel so unworthy. It's horrible. But then again I feel so blessed to have it. So I'm not going to fuck around anymore. I may want to take the tv out of my apartment haha or let Ricky have it in his room. Really, when I didn't have material items I did so many more things, and that's what I want to go back to. For example, if I don't have anything else to drink, I'll drink all of my hot tea. It's so good, so why am I not drinking it? I had other drinks I could be drinking, and that's the problem. I think people have such a better chance of being healthy in the body and mind when there is no materialistic things to use. Oh my God, and this computer! That's when it got really bad. I can't ever get up off my ass. Seriously, I've thought of throwing this $1600 computer out the window, after a week of having it. I can't believe myself. Someone! Throw a rock at me and maybe I'll snap out of this nightmare!

Who has some similar thoughts or situations? Share! I would LOVE to hear some responses!
:-) Rebecca