Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh, tired, complain-y, and I'm lost. Wandering helplessly without any clue as to what direction to take next. Help!!!!

If I explained this to my mother, her advice would be "Only God can help you". She might be right, I'm not doubting that, but to analyze and figure out what she means by that is the tricky part. If I were to believe God is found in many different sources and that he's everywhere, then where do I turn? Apparently He's been here for a long time, without me knowing it. Just have to figure out where...

New Life

There's no such thing as changing who you are, but acting differently each day is a whole different story. You are able to adapt to change, whether it be a good or bad change.

Let's take me, for example. In the past year, I've managed to work at one of the most "respected" non-chain head shops in America, and I'll face it, it's changed me profusely. Quitting the job was not what I looked forward to, but it was necessary, and I'm glad I did. Some bad habits I had picked up while working there were things such as drinking alcohol, smoking cigarettes, and...I'm sure there's more life changes that I picked up while working there. So far, those habits not only could have managed to get me in trouble, they changed the way I felt and thought. In a bad way. I've managed to fix my life little by little, where now I am in the best health/shape I've been in my lifetime which makes me happy. But overall, things aren't changing in my accomplishment area of my life. I'm wanting to go to school, see the world, have some security in finances (which I've been privileged to have once in a while), and meet someone I can spend a part of my life with. I don't want to be sucked into the same lifestyles as everyone else; dead end jobs knowing dead end people. I would love to experience most of the sober-life things that life has to offer, and I know I'm the only one stopping myself from doing this.

Some things that you might want to know about me: I may say I don't take much "stock" in astrology, but it intrigues me to know how accurate it could be, although there's a thin line between accurate and convincing that it's accurate. I understand that we all make our own destinies, but we're given some kind of route or more like tendency to choose a certain route.

Quote of the day:

"Life is a struggle, but once you accept that, it becomes a lot easier." -Anonymous

Blogging Partner!

Well, here's the thing. My best friend and I were thinking of blogging together, and comparing and contrasting some topics that we find very controversial. Like...abortion, government, stuff. Just stuff in general. We're very smart two people yes we are we are we are. Maybe...

That's all.

Time.

Time is all of our worst enemies at least once in our lives. It doesn't stop to take a rest, ever. Humans have to rest of course, but deadlines are always too close to them, making the inevitable plain straight stare them in the face. They have to run, they have to make it, they can't just stop what they're doing. Ever. Well.....we need it. We know we need a break. Just take a break once in a while. Do it, see what it does for you. Whether it's a break from work, a time passage left there to grasp, to embrace. Work will always be there, but will you always be there to work? You shouldn't be. The point in breaks is to find yourself. Don't let these overwhelming jobs take you away. We have families, most of us, related or unrelated, they're there for us. Or so we want to think. We want to believe there's hope. Hope for all of us. We want our names to continue, we must let them. We can't do anything about things sometimes, just let it go. Let. Go.

I want to improve my writing. I can't understand what I write here, but it's all in my mind. This is what I see. This is who I am currently, no matter how bad I don't want it to be like this. Move on, Rebecca. You can't defeat time. You can't. No one has. Except. You can take a break from the pressures of time. Just take a breath. Let it out. Breathe. Soothe the pain and it will go away. Let it build up, and....what will that make you? Will that make you strong? Will it?? Or is it that you must let it defeat you in order to start a new life? I don't know the answer to that, but I want to. I want to be free. I don't want to depend. But is dependence there to learn or to fail? Should we depend? Or should we not? I want to know the answer to that. I want to be free of worry, of guilt, so what is the answer to that? What is the answer to living free? Is it innocence? Pure...innocence? Or is it something bigger than that? Should we live specific lives, or just...general? No one is better than another, so are our lives big and full, or....plain and simple?

I can't be single for the rest of my life. There's something better than this. I gotta get someone to fill the void. But should I first remove my pain of my past? Or should I even view it as pain? I mean, I did learn from it. So what else is there for me? Is this pain that I feel, or just extra stress I put on myself from day to day? Do I have unresolved conflicts that need to be resolved? Because something has always stopped me. And it's always been myself I think. I don't know. I need to get some help I guess haha. We all need help from time to time. And I'm just being blunt. Should I hold back that thought? Or no?

Little mind etches.

Unseen

Flourishing, it may take a while.

It may take a long....while.

Is it possible to flourish without even knowing it?

-THE END-

I'd rather know what life is about,

Then to experience it firsthand.

I'd rather know what the sun is capable of doing, 

Then to experience it solely without the reflection of the moon at night.

At night, at night at night, that is when I am reflective.

It's what moves me, it's what makes me a better person the next morning.

Fit my schedule, into twenty-four hours. 

Help me find the way.

I don't want to stay.

I want to change.

I want to flourish.

Help me find the way.

There's a flower I can see from here. In my mind. It's bright, I can't make out what color it is, but it's most certainly a beautiful flower. I try to reach out to it, but something is blocking me from it. I can't move my legs, my arms. I squirm around, I can't move! Why can't I move?! It looks so beautiful from here. Oh! I moved my arm a little bit.. Now if I can have control over my feet. I tell my brain to walk. Walk just a little bit. It's working! Slowly, but steadily, I begin to inch towards the beauty.

Free Money?! Wait, there's a catch.

So, I have an apartment. I have a college I go to. I have clothes. I have shoes. I have a lot of things that I take for granted! Everything I have, well, almost everything, was given to me. By parents, by family, by friends, etc. Do I deserve these things? Why should I?! I don't think so.

The apartment, especially, is a huge gift from my grandfather who passed away. He left an endowment to all his grandchildren who go to college, so he'd pay for our college funds. Well, it turns out, I don't need those funds to go to college, because I already have a scholarship from 21st Century Scholars. Lucky me! All of my college paid for already!!

I don't deserve this money. None of it. Santa would agree ;)

The Necklace Disappearances

I feel like such an idiot complaining about this, but my stupid kitten keeps eating all of my favorite necklaces!! I'll leave the necklaces on for a couple days in a row, and then I'll take them off and lay them on my dresser.

The first time it happened, I saw my first favorite necklace on the ground, missing a rope or whatever it's called. I was so pissed!!! I had that necklace on for over 4 months, and it wasn't even mine in the first place.

The second necklace was a gift from my American Sign Language teacher, who gave them to everyone who was graduating. It has an "I love you" sign on it. It's ruined now.

But I'm hoping I'm not too lazy that I can actually fix them. All they need is chains or actually just string. Heh, I'm probably too lazy.